Zen of Chaos.

The candle that sparks the Inferno.

2011-01-07T09:20:00.001-08:00

All one can do is live their life the best way they know how, and hope that by doing so they help to bring enough light into the world to illuminate every corner of the globe, driving away the shadows that plague us.

You are not powerless, you just need to accept your power for what it is, a part of the whole, no one man can save the world, but you can be a light to those who envelope themselves in darkness, The candle that sparks the inferno.

TCB! Ecomom giveaway!

2010-12-27T16:18:00.000-08:00

Turning the clock back is having another giveaway! this time for a LOVE chill bag and cooler set by ecomom! heres the link to the blog post! Turning the Clock Back: Ecomom giveaway!

We are assholes.

2010-12-03T02:50:00.000-08:00

We are all assholes.Before you stab me in the face, hear me out!

We all act selfish sometimes, we all make decisions that knowingly hurt some one else at least occasionally (or at least don't really take into account somebody's feelings in situations where we really should have), we all lose control and say things we regret at least once in awhile in our lives, and at some point in time all of us have acted petty or mean, with or without good reason, it happens.

Does this make us bad human beings? Does this make us better or worse than anyone else?
No, it makes us Human, it makes us conscious and emotional beings.

The main difference between being a REAL asshole, and just being human is in the amount of introspection you choose to exercise in these situations, and the course of action you choose to take in response, being human is to be in a constant state of change, to learn and adapt, to every day; become something more than what you where the day before, Don't spend your life regretting the past; but do your best to learn from it and change the future.

Something I told a friend awhile ago, that she copied back to me when I was having some problems, it helps bring allot of things into better perspective for me at the moment...

"Life,It always changes, and sometimes it feels like its changed for the worst, but change is neither good or bad, it is a part of living, we don't ever want things to change, but without change, there is no life... Death is the only thing that doesn't change, and THAT is the beauty of life, every day is a new reality, a new chance for beauty and love to enter our life, a realm of unlimited possibilities..."

Giveaway on Turning the clock back:D

2010-11-19T18:36:00.000-08:00

I was directed to a blog in which there is a give away for bora bora bars and merchandise by bora bora's facebook page, and I have to say, its a pretty interesting blog, So im following it as well now, so I can go ba ck later and read some more of it, seems pretty cool. heres a link to it in case youd like to enter as well:D Turning back the clock

Dream I had last night...

2010-05-01T00:19:00.000-07:00

I'm walking through a dessert, the hot red sun baking everything around me, but I can only see it for brief moments as the sand envelopes me more and more with every step, I see every single grain as it passes by me, some stinging me, some settling uncomfortably into my clothes, some blinding me, I keep walking till I reach a large boulder, I climb to the top of this boulder to only find another, I keep climbing and climbing, boulder after boulder, I finally reach the top, I stare out over the maelstrom, to find nothing but sand in every direction, and as I stand there,I see the maelstrom churn with its desire to rip away at me, one piece of sharp hot sand at a time, reluctant to leave the sanctuary of this small mountain, I stare deeply into the depths of the cutting winds...Knowing there is only one way out of the dessert, I cover my face, as I stand on the edge of this little mountain of boulders, I cant decide whether to just sit there and wait for the end, or to dive back into the maelstrom...

Not to seem trite...

2010-04-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

...But I've had some rather trans-formative experiences lately, I experienced love from two friends who had no ulterior motives other than being my friend and enjoying my presence in their lives, I experienced happiness beyond anything Ive ever felt before, I was kissed by a thousand cherry blossoms, and embraced by two shining suns, and I was able to attain a level of peace and quiet in my mind for a short while there that ive seldom even touched for a second previously... it was quite wonderful.:)

Becoming Sunshine.

2010-03-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you feel everything is going right in your life, then that one thing happens to make it seem like its all come crashing down, and your surrounded by a storm of confusion and doubt and fear and and anger... Sometimes you have to look right into the eye of that storm and tell it that you are NOT going to be blown aside, that you are NOT going to drown in its torrents, and sometimes you just have to plant both your feet firmly on the ground and allow its lightening to hit you full force, take all of its energy into you, accept it into the very core of you, then instead of allowing that storm to consume you, YOU consume IT, hold it inside of you, and love it till it transforms into a beautiful light that radiates out from you, gently warming all who are near.

Update!

2010-03-09T18:26:00.001-08:00

woohoo, ok, I talked with the guy mentioned in a previous post, and he has calmed down for now and isnt being a jerk anymore...yay...now im off, sorry I couldnt make this longer but I gotta head out!

Anger...

2010-03-05T23:52:00.000-08:00

Its an unpleasant feeling, I haven't felt this angry in a very long time, and I really don't like it, feeling like you really WANT to cause harm to another human being feels really terrible, I probably dislike it more than just about any other feeling Ive ever felt... But when a man repeatedly disrespects you, and even more importantly, talks about the woman you love like she is a piece of meat, it becomes very difficult to resist the urge to get angry, when he continued his behavior after I made it clear I found it highly inappropriate, it made me more angry, especially considering the fact that in-spite of how he has treated me the last few times we have hung out, I have been quite friendly and nice and polite to him... im starting to wonder if he is purposely trying to invite physical violence from me...and honestly, I may give him his wish soon if he cant learn some respect, not out of anger hopefully, but to show him that his actions have consequences and I will not allow his behavior to continue if he wishes to be anywhere near me.

Good news!

2010-03-03T00:07:00.000-08:00

They found her and she is ok!!!yay:D

12 year old girl missing!!!

2010-03-02T07:45:00.001-08:00

My friends 12 year old sister has been missing for 2 days now, whatever your beliefs, please pray for her safe return, her name is Julia...

I refuse to use twitter...

2010-02-24T04:01:00.000-08:00

Life is conflict, Logic is a match which can easily be engulfed in flame and consumed by our passions if we are not careful... I'm careful, but I'm itching for change...and my fingers seem to have strike pads attached to them...

Im standing on a pillar...

2010-02-23T00:21:00.000-08:00

...in the middle of the earth, up so high I can almost reach the moon, I'm facing every direction at once, I feel like jumping, but every way down seems like certain death, but if I stay where I am I will run out of oxygen soon...hmmm

hmmm...

2010-02-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

last night was pretty excellent, Hope to have one like it again, and soon...

Have you ever...

2010-02-01T04:14:00.000-08:00

Bought something only to realize later that its completely different from what you wanted/needed? Done something then realized it wasn't what you really meant to do? Hated something because it reminded you of a part of yourself (real or imagined) you didn't like?

Motorcycle?!

2010-01-31T04:10:00.000-08:00

well, somebody has emailed me about possibly wanting to buy my car which I cant afford to fix, if they do then I will have enough money to buy and insure a motorcycle! specifically a 250cc honda Rebel, from the mid to late 80's, gets 90mpg on average, which means I'll be able to go almost anywhere I want on the west coast for next to nothing!!! im so excited... I hope he buys the car, I love this car, but being able to go down south and visit my family for $20 round trip would be pretty awesome... and having transportation will make it easier for me to find more work, so the possibility of more money, so I can then buy a car again for the rainy times... but the traveling, that will be the best part...I could go across the entire country for around $100 or so...well, as far as the cost of gas goes that is...

random thoughts...

2010-01-17T04:42:00.000-08:00

Im tired but I cant sleep, I'm hungry but I cant eat, Ive got a million things to say, but I cant speak... It seems to be the mantra of my life, cant cant cant... right now I feel like I cant even come close to describing exactly what I mean, but maybe all these "cants" in my life are just "wont's"... maybe I don't know how to do something yet, or express things the way I want , but saying I "cant" wont get me any closer, it only serves to limit me I think... maybe I should start saying "I don't know how yet!" or "I'm almost able to sleep." maybe it wont be for another day or two, but I will still find sleep eventually... And even if I am unable at the moment to get the meaning of my words across to those I'm speaking to, maybe I eventually will be able to...

Or maybe I cant do anything the way I want, so I'll have to adjust my wants to the needs of each individual situation... Who knows... I'm just thinking out-loud...well, quietly out-loud, as this is typed, and I don't type very loud... hahaha (can you sense the sleep deprivation?lol)

Im back!-ish...

2010-01-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

well im back on, mostly because I just remembered I have this site,lol... I've been really busy, oddly not doing to much... I did move though, and have been looking for more work, thinking of joining the navy pretty soon here too, not really sure...I know some of my physical problems will make it impossible for me to join if I tell them the truth about it, so my only choice would be to lie about them, then hope I can make it through basic in-spite of them... I know exactly what I want to do with my life, its kinda funny, most people dont have a clue what they want to do, but I have no idea how I will do it, everything I try doesnt pan out... oh and believe me, I try allot of different paths to take me to my goals...

Why does it seem that the simpler your goal, the more complex the path is? oh well, all I can do is keep trying, and find what measure of peace I can in this world and be happy with it whether I reach my goals or not... sometimes I wonder if the only point of life is being alive, then I have a hard time deciding whether or not I should feel sad or relieved...

Falling Tacos.

2009-11-20T02:33:00.000-08:00

Has Anyone heard that Jerry Springer has a place in Sarasota?
I mention this because I'm still waiting for Tonya Harding to move down there and make it a clean sweep.

I;m going through withdrawal because I haven't heard anything about her since she beat that guy in the head with a hubcap at a hoedown.
And what about the poor guy? I don't think there's a better time to sit down for that little heart to heart with yourself. "Good morning. This is your wake-up call, It's from Darwin."

But that's just one persons tiny drama, meaningless except in the bigger picture, which is trying to isolate the exact moment we turned into a trash nation, and nearest I can tell, it was one second after Nancy Kerrigan took a telescoping blackjack to the knee, Now there was a cute little soap opera.

What an absolutely fascinating underwater view into the Kmart inflatable backyard American gene pool. I have a dirty little confession... I Loved it!!! We may have learned everything we need to know about life in kindergarten, But you know what? we can learn everything we need to know about the incredibly rude, selfish, infantile country we've become by observing the human spokes revolving around the Tonya Harding sociocultural axis.

The Greeks reveled in Homeric tragicomedies, the English lived out Shakespearean dramas... But we, America, are the cast of the kerrigan farce, Is it any wonder we've thrown manners, compassion and respect out the window? We've become one big, self -absorbed nation holding up an ice skate, pointing at a broken laces and blubbering our eyes out.

We don't know our neighbors anymore, We have no shame, no consideration, no sense of duty or sacrifice. Need more metaphors? We wont go the extra mile, meet anyone halfway, And IF, somehow, somewhere, anything at all goes in our pathetic daily wanderings, if some random misfortune drops at our feet and splatters like a taco supreme, we don't commence tidying up the floor and getting on with our lives, We start making a litigious radar sweep of the room, seeing if there's anyone in recrimination range, some entitlement cadet to whom we can construct a Bridge-over-the-river-Kwai blame path of tortured logic and sheer, reality sculpting self deception.

Maybe they handled a taco once, maybe even MADE tacos, Maybe they could have warned you--- Yes, they knew all about that treacherously viscous emulsion of grease and sour cream on wax wrapper. They deliberately chose not to say anything as they saw it slipping out of your hand in Peckinpah slow motion while you where trying to eat, talk on the phone, and log on to eBay all at the same time.

Well, here's a news flash for you. Believe it or not, the blacks and the gays and the Jews did not drop your taco, YOU dropped the fucking taco my friend! It doesn't make you a bad person, It doesn't even mean its your fault. What it does mean is that this cosmic slapstick we call life has just elected you the schmuck who has to go get the mop, So get the goddamn mop already! Don't just stand there staring down, reliving the lunch that could have been and trying to figure out how affirmative action did this to you, That's just the way life is, It can be exquisite, cruel, frequently wacky, But above all utterly, UTTERLY random.

Those twin impostors in the bell fringed jester hats, Justice and Fairness--they aren't constants of the natural order like entropy and the periodic table, They're completely alien notions to the way things happen out there in the human rain forest, Justice and fairness are things WE'RE supposed to contribute back to the world for giving us the gift of life, Not Birthrights we should expect and demand every second of the day! What do you say we drop the intellectual cowardice? There is no fate, and there is no safety net, I'm not saying God doesn't exist, I believe in God, But he's not a micro-manager, so stop asking him to drop the crisis in Rwanda and help you find your wallet.

Life is a long, lonely journey down a day-in-day-out lard trail of dropped tacos, MOP IT UP! Not for yourself, but for the guy behind you who's to busy trying not to drop his own tacos to make sure he doesn't slip and fall on YOUR mistakes.

So DON'T speed and weave in traffic, other people have babies in their cars, Don't litter, Don't begrudge the poor because they have fucking food stamps, Don't be rude to overwhelmed minimum wage sales clerks, ESPECIALLY teenagers, they have that job because they don't have a clue, we didn't either at that age, Be understanding with them, share your clues, Remember that your sense of humor is inversely proportional to your intolerance. Stop and think on veterans day, And don't forget to vote, That is, unless you send money to TV preachers, Have more than a passing interest in alien abduction or recently purchased a fish on a wall plaque that sings "Don't worry, be happy." In that case, the polls are a scary scary place! Under every ballot box is a trapdoor chute to an extra-terrestrial escape pod filled with dental tools and squeaking, masturbating little green men from the Devil Star.

In Conclusion, Keep your chins up, grab your mops and get in the game! You don't have to make a pile of money or change society, Just clean up after yourselves without complaining, And above all, please stop and appreciate the days when the tacos don't fall, and give heartfelt thanks to whomever you pray to, I love you all.

...

2009-11-11T23:16:00.000-08:00

A soulmate?...I have a taste of some one like that in my life, a hint, a gossamer thread drifting through the darkness in my mind, gently tossed from side to side by the winds of my soul...translucent and glowing, it gently carresses my heart, warming it for a single moment, then quietly floats on, for it has many hearts to touch, and mine isnt meant to be the last.

Its a Dream.

sigh draaaama drama drama >.<

2009-10-10T17:56:00.001-07:00

Well, one of my "friends" has finally shown his true colors, he has completely snapped, saying things that I have proof are lies, insulting me, the usual bs... And honestly, I feel kinda good that i can now just call the friendship off, I dont need somebody that is so negative in my life, all of his talk about slitting peoples throats, ripping out their guts, burning them alive... I think I shall be quite happy without having to listen to that crap anymore, without having to worry about when he is going to snap and hurt somebody, and without having such a person who's very presence is oppressive hovering around me anymore... I feel good about cutting him out of my life, even if its not the way I would've preferred things to go, its how I need them to be right now.

I pity da foo.

2009-10-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

"...And one day he would look back upon the fool and know the fool.
Even now he could feel the start of the long journey, the leave-taking, the going-away from the self he had been."-Ray Bradbury

I am a fool, more often than not I react in foolish ways, not always harmful, but pretty much always embarrassing,lol... I used to really hate this aspect of myself, but lately Ive grown to kinda embrace it, well not the harmful aspects of being a fool, but the fact that I am one, and for the most part just about everyone else is, and that in the end all we can hope to do is learn how to laugh at our silly foolish moments, get up during our clumsy foolish moments, and learn to go on living and loving after our truly terrible foolish moments... I guess Ive just come to the realization that you have no chance to beat the fool in you until you accept the fool in you... Dont know if that makes any sense to anybody else,lol, but its a little bit of whats been running through my mind lately...

Friends...

2009-10-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

I just realized I dont really have any, not real ones at least, every single one of them except maybe one of them pretty much thinks they are better than me, thinks ima loser, or worse, who knows, maybe by their standard I am, All I know is that by MY standards I am the best person I can be at this point in my life, I do my best to love others and be there for them, I do the best I can to get by in life with what ive got to work with, and if thats not good enough for them they can kiss my ass...

Unagi quest Update: Found Tare

2009-09-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Apparently according to a Japanese guy, I found a website that is supposed to have a really really really awesome authentic Tare recipe on it (the sauce the Unagi is cooked with.) but its all in Japanese (a bit TOO authentic,lol) so now IM searching for somebody that can find and translate the recipe for me...

Life can be so beautiful sometimes...

2009-09-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

...And im so glad that I have finnaly been reminded of that... I knew it of course, but I really forgot how wonderful those moments can feel, ya know, thats the real danger, forgetting... its so easy to get lost in the pain and the torment, even the everyday difficulties of life can seem to pile up on you like your being buried alive when you have things that are far more difficult to deal with as well...

But in-spite of it all, there are moments of pure beauty and peace that can be found, sometimes when you least expect it... I have been so blessed over this last month or so, I found myself crying earlier when i started to think about it, the upwelling of joy overwhelmed me, and came pouring out in the form of tears...the most wonderful tears ive ever shed...

Ive been blessed lately, with 2 new friends who are some of the awesomest people in the world, and I love them quite dearly, and 1 older friend whom we didnt talk much but started talking more lately and have become a bit closer I think, she is a total sweetheart, a complete Angel, and I love her quite dearly as well, she I.M.ed this to me earlier:)

"hands you a cup of tea somewhat sad it's only words on a screen and not a real cup of tea...but I suppose if you stood back from that perspective it would just be tea in a cup which is actually lots of little bits of things we don't even really understand called energy which is also what words on a screen consist of."

I found it quite beautiful...and it touched me greatly.

Then there is the fact that somehow, from a garage sale, and some other stuff, I have managed to get together enough money to finally be able to fix my car!!!

And a friend of mine whom I was involved with romantically for a short while, has landed me a job as a respite provider for her oldest son who has autism!!! its so awesome to get payed to do something you love doing anyways! and he is such an awesome kid:D

ohh, and another blessing, at the last few bonfires ive been to its been so beautiful... the way the moon glinted off the water, the mist surrounding it all, the beach, the fire the friends... it was pretty awesome and beautiful:D:D:D

Im getting pretty tired now though, so I think I shall cut this blog shorter than I originally intended...I can always post more later =^_^=

Unagi

2009-09-14T03:15:00.000-07:00

I have to say I love Unagi, probably more than I should, I have been spoiled when it comes to unagi however, I once befriended a Japanese man in a super market sushi stand who could barely speak english, according to him I was the only friend he had made in the entire 9 years or so he had lived in our country, He would frequently make special rolls for me, he made my favorite, california rolls for me many times, untill one day he convinced me to try a roll with unagi, it was some really delicious stuff... I moved back to california due to my mothers illness, sent him a letter once but never heard back from him, I think of him now everytime I eat Unagi, which is rarely cause unagi is expensive... But I think of him and wonder why such a great guy like him was able to go for so long without making any friends, I know there are allot of bigots in the south (this was in Tennesee) But I mean, he was such a quiet and calm and just really all around nice guy...

I ate Unagi a few weeks ago and Ive been beating myself up ever since, Because I have forgotten his name, the friendless man who was such a good friend to me when I had no friends either at the time, some morning after id get off work id go to hangout with him at his work and we would talk for hours, he loved talking about anything cause it helped him practice his english... I thought Id go and find out how to make Unagi myself so I could make it a regular thing, make unagi, make some sushi rolls with it, and eat it and remember my friend... But I cant even remember his name, but oh well, I dont suppose the name matters to much, its only a label that has nothing to do with who a person is, I will forever remember him for his kindnes and friendship, and If I can just find a how to guide somewhere on how to make Unagi, I will make it in honor of him every single time...

A new road with an uncertain destination.

2009-08-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

Almost everything is about the same in my life at the moment, its been a tough month, but I've learned many things from it, and in some ways its been one of the most centering months of my life, I've learned allot about myself in this time as well, although it is rather daunting understanding how much I really have left to learn...

I've been procrastinating on allot of major decisions lately mostly because I'm completely unsure what to do, but I hope to change that soon.

I've let go of many things this last month, things that didn't matter, things that did, guilt from things that I shouldn't feel guilty for, and for things I should feel guilty for, dreams I've held on to for most of my life, even some dreams newly formed... And my soul feels lighter for it, I haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet of all the things I want to/need to let go, I'm sure that goal will elude me till I learn to stop chasing it, but that is easier said than done...

A short while ago I was convinced that killing myself was the only way to get rid of all the things I just couldn't shake, although I've not been able to completely let go of yet much of the feelings that culminated in such a drastic belief, I no longer feel like ending things the easy way, working things out in my heart and learning to live even if its not the way I want that life to be has come to seem like a new sort of adventure to me, a road I'm not entirely sure of, a road that in many ways I'm rather scared of, but a road I am now eager to travel.

There will be new updates soon...hopefully good ones,lol

down time...

2009-06-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

well obviously I haven't been writing on here in a long time, My computer died and I had no Internet access, I'm back on here now mostly because I know nobody reads this anymore, I'm at a dead end in my life at the moment, I seem to have no options, and as hard as I try to stay positive about things, its difficult for me to not think about taking the easy way out, I dont even know where to start, I just know I need to get this out somewhere...

I've spent most of my life with everyone I know telling me more or less that I will never amount to anything, telling me that my hopes and dreams are foolish because I don't have the ability to attain them, and I've spent most of my life convincing myself that they are full of shit and that if I work hard enough I can accomplish anything I want... But here I am, 25, cant even get a job, the only woman who Ive been able to foster a close relationship with in years gets impregnated by a random Guy she met on the bus, and then tries to convince me to be that child's father legally and otherwise, then days after asking that of me, blows me off for a bum, literally a bum, he lives in a tent... Although I have to say he does seem like a pretty decent guy in spite of his drug issues, I like him so its not quite as difficult to deal with...

Id say that the most difficult part of what I'm going through right now though is the loneliness, I have no support from any of my friends or family, in fact I have the opposite, and time and again I meet women who seem really awesome, they go on and on about how awesome they think I am, and then one day, out of nowhere, they just disappear, they go from thinking I'm the awesomest guy ever to not wanting to have anything to do with me, with out any explanation... I understand I'm not the catch of the century, And I don't care if they don't want to be romantically involved with me... I just don't understand how they can think so highly of me one minute, then not even want to be friends with me the next... Although I do have to mention that it tends to happen every time right after they meet another guy...but that seems like a pretty stupid reason to not want to be friends with somebody...

In the end though I think I cold be ok with any of this stuff if I cold just do SOMETHING, every single plan I come up with, everything I try to do, it all goes to shit... no matter how hard I try nothing I do works out, everything I do is a complete failure, My family, my friends, everyone...they where all right... and the sad part about it all is that its not even like Ive been aiming for something crazy, all I want from life is to be able to find a decent job, and to help others, if those two could be combined, it would be even better... and hopefully id like to find some real true good love, or at least some companionship and understanding... I don't strive for much in life, I'm a pretty simple guy, but no matter how hard a try it just doesn't seem to be enough...I'm just tired of trying, Ive given up, my life has come down to nothing more than waiting for death, and I'm starting to grow tired of waiting...

Bah Humbug.

2008-12-22T11:30:00.000-08:00

Christmas, what a wonderful time of year, full of kindness and cheer, and all that crap...

I know I should be happy that I got anything for christmas at all, but im angry... for my only christmas present I was given some money to buy some essential oils ive been wanting forever, I bought them from a company that seemed legitimate, nothing but glowing reviews of their products, and they where a good deal too... they stated that they are 100% pure essential oils, but when I received them it was obvious that they where all severely diluted, not even close to pure, and one even smells kinda rancid... So my only christmas present, the one I was so excited about, is complete junk...I feel really bad for those who chipped in to get it for me to, I dont feel like I can tell them how bad the oils are because they where so excited about getting me something that I was so excited about receiving, It might hurt them a bit if they found out we where ripped off...:(

I emailed the company, have yet to receive a response though...*sigh* well writing about it has helped at least, I no longer feel angry, just disappointed...

UPDATE: They responded! and offered to give me a full refund if I return the items! even offered to refund the cost of the return shipping!... theres just one little problem... I just accidentally spilled a bunch of the rosemary and lavender all over my arm and lap while trying to sniff test them again to make sure I was sniffing accurately... >.< boy do I feel like an idiot,lol... well, they obviously wont accept them back now, so I guess I'll just take it as a loss...not a complete loss though, it was pretty funny!!!lol...

"Try to approach the task with love and kindness in your heart."

2008-12-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

Is what a recently made friend of mine said to a young women recently, full story found HERE,
And it really hit home reading that in the aftermath of a rather heated familial spat... It actually helped cool me down pretty fast so my introspection could kick in a bit...

I have a family member who treats me with complete disrespect most of the time unless Im bending over backwards for him, then he usually acknowledges it...

No, Im not trying to focus on what I perceive as this persons failings in their relationship with me, But my own... Yes, he is disrespectful, sometimes even quite hurtful, But I am the one who chooses how I react, I let it build up and build up till one day he just goes to far and I get really angry and arguements and shouting matches and all that horrible stuff happens, and I cant blame him for that, with him ive forgotten to practice what I always try to practice with the people in my life, to approach every situation with love and kindness in my heart, inspite of their behaviour, I have chosen to react with anger, and although its important that a person sticks up for themselves, it is not right that I allow that anger to dictate how I do it, I need to learn to let go of the anger I have when dealing with him and approach his behaviour with love and kindness, or at least in a more constructive manner than arguing and shouting.

Anger can act like a poison inside of you, it can really tear you up if you dont deal with it in a healthy and constructive manner, but just remember, nomatter how angry you are, nomatter what your feeling, you have the choice on how to react to those feelings and the things that maybe contributing to them, something or certain behaviours can make you angry, but the blame for how you react rests solely on your own shoulders.

p.s. I REALLY need to figure out some cheap/free ways to help relieve stress and negative emotions... Im open to any suggestions.

Cake Recipe, By request.:)

2008-12-09T04:31:00.000-08:00

The recipe for the cake I mentioned in the previous entry was requested by my one and only fan, so I decided to post it.:) hehehe

Original Recipe...

1/2 c. butter (1 stick)
1 1/2 c. sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 med. apples, pared and diced (1 1/2 c.)
1 c. canned pumpkin
2 c. all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/4 tsp. cloves
1/4 tsp. ginger
Confectioners' sugar

In a large mixing bowl, cream the butter; beat in sugar. Add the eggs, one at a time. Stir in vanilla, apples, and pumpkin. Blend in dry ingredients. Turn into a greased and floured 9 inch bundt or angel cake pan. Bake in a 350 degree oven for 55 to 60 minutes. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then turn out on a rack to cool. Sprinkle with confectioners' sugar when cool. Serves 16

1/2 c. butter (1 stick)
1 1/2 c. sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 c. Applesauce, I had no apples or money to buy some, but had applesauce!lol
1 c. canned pumpkin
1/3 c. sour cream
2 c. all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 Tblsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp. ground cloves
1 tsp. ground ginger
1/4 tsp ground Allspice
And heres how I prepared it...
In a large mixing bowl, cream the butter; beat in sugar. Add the eggs, one at a time. Stir in vanilla, applesauce, pumpkin and sour cream. Blend in dry ingredients. Divide batter evenly into two oiled and lightly floured 9 inch cake pans. Bake in a 350 degree oven till it seems done,I checked every 5 minutes after 25 minutes... Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then turn out on a rack to cool. Frost cake with frosting recipe to follow once cool...

8 oz cold cream cheese (right out of the fridge)
1 stick of room temp butter, REAL butter not margerine. (frosting made with margerine will be pretty disgusting...)
1 pound confectioners sugar
1-2 tsp vanilla depending on personal taste.

Beat cold cream cheese, softened butter, and vanilla together till completely blended!!!
Slowly beat in confectioners sugar, half a cup at a time till completely blended, I used the full pound, which is about 2 cups, so it was VERY sweet, if you prefer a frosting a little less sweet you can even go as low as half a pound (or 1 cup) and still have a decent amount of frosting... Also if the frosting is a bit to thick, which mine was, I added a few tablespoons of milk at a time and mixed it till it reached the consistency I wanted.

Anyway, Id suggest with the cake to follow the original instructions although the extra spice in my version was super tasty, but I love my spice cakes to be, well... spice cakes!!! lol... so if you love spices then I suggest you use the amounts I list, or whatever feels right for the level of spice you want in your cake.:) But definately use the apples diced like they did and id even suggest maybe throwing in a 1/4 - 1/2 cup roasted chopped nuts, either pecan or walnut probably best for this recipe... Oh, and the frosting recipe originaly called for a raw egg yolk, but I dont like using raw eggs in food, but the frosting turned out awesome without it...

Dont cry over spilled cake...

2008-12-07T03:43:00.000-08:00

The other night I decided to bake a cake for my friends birthday, she really likes pumpkin allot so I decided to try and bake her a pumpkin cake, I soon found a very promising recipe online with many people saying how much they loved the recipe, it was for an apple pumpkin spice cake, sounded really good so I gave it a go...

I worked very hard making said cake, even making applesauce for the recipe out of fresh apples from my trees, halfway through the baking process I checked on them, saw they where cooking unevenly so I just switched them around so they would cook more evenly.

A delicious warm spicy scent wafts through the house, the cake is done, I take it out and set it out to cool, I come back an hour later and notice that my cakes have shrunk to nearly half their original size!!! Needless to say, I was rather upset about this, Ive never messed up when making a cake before, so it was disheartening to say the least...

I decided to bake another cake, a chocolate one this time, I was out of most of the ingredients I would need to make one from scratch, but this one was a box cake, Duncan Hines I believe, I made the cake, it came out beautifully...perfect, smelled so delicious...

After cooling the cake and making the frosting I put both layers on plates and picked them up to bring over to the frosting (yeah, probably shoulda brought the frosting to them, LOL) the pocket on my sweat pants caught on the knob of a nearby cabinet drawer, my beautiful cakes decided they would try to fly,lol... unfortunately they failed miserably...

Cursing quite violently, I angrily threw the pieces of the cake away, extremely pissed off and very tired (since it was almost 6 am) I stormed into my room, layed down, and cried for awhile.

It took me a little while but I realized how silly I was being, yes, I had tried to do something special for some one whom I really care for and I messed it up pretty bad,lol... but the world wasnt ending, it was just a cake, and I still had that flattened dense apple pumpkin spice cake to work with...

I rushed back into the kitchen, took a tiny piece of the cake and tasted it... it was delicious! dense, flat, but delicious! I took the frosting I had made and frosted the hell out of that cake,lol, when I brought it the next day to give to her she really loved it, although there was a consensus amongst us that it really needed some nuts...In hindsight I wish i had mentioned that with us around, it probably has all the nuts it can handle! LOL! It was very delicious though, kindve like a spice cake version of fruit cake...not quite as dense as fruit cake though, but close... I keep having to remind myself, failure isnt a bad thing, its just another chance to learn and grow!
And ya know what? I bet that recipe would make a kick ass loaf cake with some chopped apples in it and maybe chopped dried apricots, and of course...nuts!!! lol...

(oh, and we had so much fun just hanging out there that night, it was an awesome night, and the cake, although rather dense and rich, was still a hit, although none of us could finish our piece completely because of how rich it and the frosting was,lol... And the best thing about the night? She seemed really happy with the wonderful birthday she had, even total strangers had been really nice to her all day! and hey, with me, im always happy with any day that has lots of hugs and some cuddles! lol)

Anger...

2008-12-03T16:22:00.000-08:00

I found myself unloading and stacking nearly two chords of wood today for my father, I started out in a pretty up mood but with every splinter that chose to free itself inside my flesh I found myself getting angrier and angrier at the WOOD of all things!!! I had to take a step back for a second and think, did it really make sense to be angry with wood for the slivers I received? No, it really doesnt, it was my own fault I received those splinters, I wasnt careful enough and I didnt wear any work gloves...

So I guess what im getting at, is that sometimes you get angry, thats normal and healthy, but you need to recognize what your really angry at, splinters suck, but I wasnt REALLY angry at them, I was angry at my own foolishness, thinking I could stack 2 chords of wood without gloves and not get a few splinters... But hey, failure is just another opportunity to learn!

Another question for ya, do you ever find yourself getting angry for no rational reason? have you stopped to consider the real reason your angry?... or do you, like most of us, tend to let it get a bit to far before you realize how your acting?...

Why...

2008-12-03T00:44:00.000-08:00

We all attempt to find some order to this chaos, a way to wrest control from the raging winds that toss us like rag dolls through this point of existence we call life, Some form of hope we can cling to as we search and strive for whatever it is that individually and as a society drives us, Sometimes you dont even know what your really doing, and sometimes even when you do, you still ignore the why...

I guess what im getting at, is that I am here, as I am in every other part of my existence, to find out the "why", to examine the effect so I can locate the cause, and maybe, make a difference...

Or at least rant randomly about the things I do/dont understand till finally something makes sense...

-Curator

(P.S.- If you read this, id like to know, if you dont mind, Why you are on this site...I'll leave the deeper questions for later,lol.)

Zen of Chaos.

The candle that sparks the Inferno.

TCB! Ecomom giveaway!

We are assholes.

Giveaway on Turning the clock back:D

Dream I had last night...

Not to seem trite...

Becoming Sunshine.

Update!

Anger...

Good news!

12 year old girl missing!!!

I refuse to use twitter...

Im standing on a pillar...

hmmm...

Have you ever...

Motorcycle?!

random thoughts...

Im back!-ish...

Falling Tacos.

...

*sigh* draaaama drama drama >.<

I pity da foo.

Friends...

Unagi quest Update: Found Tare

Life can be so beautiful sometimes...

Unagi

A new road with an uncertain destination.

down time...

Bah Humbug.

"Try to approach the task with love and kindness in your heart."

Cake Recipe, By request.:)

Dont cry over spilled cake...

Anger...

Why...

sigh draaaama drama drama >.<