down time...

well obviously I haven't been writing on here in a long time, My computer died and I had no Internet access, I'm back on here now mostly because I know nobody reads this anymore, I'm at a dead end in my life at the moment, I seem to have no options, and as hard as I try to stay positive about things, its difficult for me to not think about taking the easy way out, I dont even know where to start, I just know I need to get this out somewhere...

I've spent most of my life with everyone I know telling me more or less that I will never amount to anything, telling me that my hopes and dreams are foolish because I don't have the ability to attain them, and I've spent most of my life convincing myself that they are full of shit and that if I work hard enough I can accomplish anything I want... But here I am, 25, cant even get a job, the only woman who Ive been able to foster a close relationship with in years gets impregnated by a random Guy she met on the bus, and then tries to convince me to be that child's father legally and otherwise, then days after asking that of me, blows me off for a bum, literally a bum, he lives in a tent... Although I have to say he does seem like a pretty decent guy in spite of his drug issues, I like him so its not quite as difficult to deal with...

Id say that the most difficult part of what I'm going through right now though is the loneliness, I have no support from any of my friends or family, in fact I have the opposite, and time and again I meet women who seem really awesome, they go on and on about how awesome they think I am, and then one day, out of nowhere, they just disappear, they go from thinking I'm the awesomest guy ever to not wanting to have anything to do with me, with out any explanation... I understand I'm not the catch of the century, And I don't care if they don't want to be romantically involved with me... I just don't understand how they can think so highly of me one minute, then not even want to be friends with me the next... Although I do have to mention that it tends to happen every time right after they meet another guy...but that seems like a pretty stupid reason to not want to be friends with somebody...

In the end though I think I cold be ok with any of this stuff if I cold just do SOMETHING, every single plan I come up with, everything I try to do, it all goes to shit... no matter how hard I try nothing I do works out, everything I do is a complete failure, My family, my friends, everyone...they where all right... and the sad part about it all is that its not even like Ive been aiming for something crazy, all I want from life is to be able to find a decent job, and to help others, if those two could be combined, it would be even better... and hopefully id like to find some real true good love, or at least some companionship and understanding... I don't strive for much in life, I'm a pretty simple guy, but no matter how hard a try it just doesn't seem to be enough...I'm just tired of trying, Ive given up, my life has come down to nothing more than waiting for death, and I'm starting to grow tired of waiting...