Monday, June 8, 2009

down time...

well obviously I haven't been writing on here in a long time, My computer died and I had no Internet access, I'm back on here now mostly because I know nobody reads this anymore, I'm at a dead end in my life at the moment, I seem to have no options, and as hard as I try to stay positive about things, its difficult for me to not think about taking the easy way out, I dont even know where to start, I just know I need to get this out somewhere...

I've spent most of my life with everyone I know telling me more or less that I will never amount to anything, telling me that my hopes and dreams are foolish because I don't have the ability to attain them, and I've spent most of my life convincing myself that they are full of shit and that if I work hard enough I can accomplish anything I want... But here I am, 25, cant even get a job, the only woman who Ive been able to foster a close relationship with in years gets impregnated by a random Guy she met on the bus, and then tries to convince me to be that child's father legally and otherwise, then days after asking that of me, blows me off for a bum, literally a bum, he lives in a tent... Although I have to say he does seem like a pretty decent guy in spite of his drug issues, I like him so its not quite as difficult to deal with...

Id say that the most difficult part of what I'm going through right now though is the loneliness, I have no support from any of my friends or family, in fact I have the opposite, and time and again I meet women who seem really awesome, they go on and on about how awesome they think I am, and then one day, out of nowhere, they just disappear, they go from thinking I'm the awesomest guy ever to not wanting to have anything to do with me, with out any explanation... I understand I'm not the catch of the century, And I don't care if they don't want to be romantically involved with me... I just don't understand how they can think so highly of me one minute, then not even want to be friends with me the next... Although I do have to mention that it tends to happen every time right after they meet another guy...but that seems like a pretty stupid reason to not want to be friends with somebody...

In the end though I think I cold be ok with any of this stuff if I cold just do SOMETHING, every single plan I come up with, everything I try to do, it all goes to shit... no matter how hard I try nothing I do works out, everything I do is a complete failure, My family, my friends, everyone...they where all right... and the sad part about it all is that its not even like Ive been aiming for something crazy, all I want from life is to be able to find a decent job, and to help others, if those two could be combined, it would be even better... and hopefully id like to find some real true good love, or at least some companionship and understanding... I don't strive for much in life, I'm a pretty simple guy, but no matter how hard a try it just doesn't seem to be enough...I'm just tired of trying, Ive given up, my life has come down to nothing more than waiting for death, and I'm starting to grow tired of waiting...

6 comments:

Jordan said...

Dude, cheer up. Alot of people would give their left nut to be in your position, you have no dependents, your young, and free. Start considering your opportunities. Worst case you can find your nerest monastery, become a monk, and spend your life leading others to enlightenment... That's what I'd do anyway. But seriously buck up. If things get real bad call these folks 1-800-273-TALK. It has helped people in the past.

Curator said...

young and free? free to do what? rot in a gutter somewhere? Im not a Buddhist although I appreciate Buddhism and at least try to incorporate some of its practices into my own faith, so a Buddhist monastery is not really an option,

and I dispute your assumption that anyone would give either nut to be in my position, No work for 2 years, no appreciable skills or talent, and within a few months no where to live, im being kicked out of my fathers house, the same father whom I carried for 3 years paying half of his bills till he got back up on his feet,

During these 2 years ive been unemployed I continued to pay half of his bills out of the money I had saved for college till I ran out of money about 6 months ago... now im broke.

he's kicking me out partially because of the money issue, and partly because of my differing religious beliefs, I have nowhere to go, no money to my name, I do have a half rusted out car that doesnt run...

And my last option, I attempted to Join the military but no branch will have me because at the age of 25 I already have a bad knee,ankle and elbow, and my eyesight is crap,not to forgot the 9% curvature of the spine I have from my scoliosis, although that was when I was 12, doc said at 12 that it would be past 15-20% by the time I hit 20 years old, dont really know what it is now since I cant afford to see a dr... then theres the whole problem with the brain damage I received 2 years ago when some jerk dosed my orange soda with enough crystal meth to kill the average person, the silver lining being that since im ADHD it didnt actually kill me, just screwed with my motor functions and cognitive abilities taking me from a guy with an IQ of 141 to a guy who has a hard time writing his own name and doing any math harder than multiplication, the only choice I do have at this time is joining some sort of monastery like you said, where I probably wont even be able to physically do much work compared to what a guy my age should be able to do, and be surrounded by a faith that isnt my own, IF they would even allow me in...

So, yes, there actually may be somebody out there who would give their left nut to be me, but most of them probably live in third world countries which practice heinous crimes against humanity on a daily basis... Oh and btw, I went from perfect grades in school, especially in reading/writing, to now not being able to type a paragraph out without the help of googles wonderful spell checker...

I understand there are people out there way worse off than me, but that doesnt mean I havnt been royally fucked by life as well, dont even get me started on my childhood, It made the psychiatrist I saw when I was 16 cry...

I have had some good things in my life, it hasnt been all bad, and I appreciate you trying to help, I honestly didnt even expect anybody to read this, I actually just came on to delete it,lol...to late I guess... but just saying stuff like "cheer up" and "buck up." doesnt do much other than come off as kinda condescending/patronizing... But I choose to believe that is not how you meant it...

If you can think of any other options, feel free to let me know about them, Ive exhausted every option I can think of short of becoming a drug dealer/thief...

Jordan said...

Wow, you sure have had your share of suffering.
But from what I can see here, despite your troubles, you can obviously still think.
If you can think, you can be useful somewhere.

Making yourself useful is better than death.

Tell me about your faith? Your not Buddhist, but "Incorporate some of Buddhism into it?: I don't understand. If my faith was going to cause me to loose the roof over my head I would convert till I could provide my own.

Jordan said...

Anyway, all the best to you either way you decide. I think you got my e-mail address, so keep in touch when you have access to a computer.

Curator said...

I know, its jst ahrd because I have this driving thirst to be useful, to help the world somehow, to live, but I cant seem to find any outlet for it, it can be frustrating...

As far as my beliefs go, I refer to myself as a biblical christian, I dont believe that the bible needs anyone to "read between the lines" or interpret it, I also believe that its quite possible that humans could have altered it to meet their own agendas in the past, so I try to live my life based on the most basic precepts put forth by christ, and that was to Love others, and more or less dont do things that can seriously hurt other people and their spiritual growth or your own for that matter, I find that to a certain extent Buddhism shares many of the same principles of Christianity, and I enjoy sitting when I am able to... Interestingly enough its become easier lately as my life has grown more chaotic, one wold think it was the opposite... but sometimes while im sitting there, meditating on the lord,trying to sense the spiritual connection with him, I feel it all just drift away, both physical and pain, and for a short time I feel empty and peaceful, then the world comes crashing back in and it sucks all over again, but it does feel better for awhile...

Oh, btw, I dont have your email, I tried to use the one on your profile awhile ago and it didnt work... by the way, thanks for your comments, at the very least it has actually helped me to talk this out a bit with somebody...

Jordan said...

Hey, glad to have the opportunity to continue this conversation. My email address is jrfountain(at)gmail.com.

I don't understand what your dad's conflict with that could be. I'd like to hear more if you don't mind sharing.

On meditation, Sounds like you are getting into some good deep states of what we call body and mind dropping off. The trick is actually in not trying and allowing stuff to happen instead. This is a huge problem for me sometimes as I struggle to get back into a bliss state! Which of course is caused by attachment, which of course will keep me from getting there. and what's worse is I know all this stuff but do the same stuff over and over anyway... I guess life is like that. the more we struggle the harder things are.

All that said, little loving kindness meditation might be something for you to try out. It if not "Zen" at all but from the older school of Buddhism. It wont make you a buddhist just to try it out though. And It has been really helpful to allot of people for 2500 years or so.

http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

Got to got moving now, Hope to continue this conversation later.