*sigh* draaaama drama drama >.<

Well, one of my "friends" has finally shown his true colors, he has completely snapped, saying things that I have proof are lies, insulting me, the usual bs... And honestly, I feel kinda good that i can now just call the friendship off, I dont need somebody that is so negative in my life, all of his talk about slitting peoples throats, ripping out their guts, burning them alive... I think I shall be quite happy without having to listen to that crap anymore, without having to worry about when he is going to snap and hurt somebody, and without having such a person who's very presence is oppressive hovering around me anymore... I feel good about cutting him out of my life, even if its not the way I would've preferred things to go, its how I need them to be right now.

I pity da foo.

"...And one day he would look back upon the fool and know the fool.
Even now he could feel the start of the long journey, the leave-taking, the going-away from the self he had been."-Ray Bradbury

I am a fool, more often than not I react in foolish ways, not always harmful, but pretty much always embarrassing,lol... I used to really hate this aspect of myself, but lately Ive grown to kinda embrace it, well not the harmful aspects of being a fool, but the fact that I am one, and for the most part just about everyone else is, and that in the end all we can hope to do is learn how to laugh at our silly foolish moments, get up during our clumsy foolish moments, and learn to go on living and loving after our truly terrible foolish moments... I guess Ive just come to the realization that you have no chance to beat the fool in you until you accept the fool in you... Dont know if that makes any sense to anybody else,lol, but its a little bit of whats been running through my mind lately...

Friends...

I just realized I dont really have any, not real ones at least, every single one of them except maybe one of them pretty much thinks they are better than me, thinks ima loser, or worse, who knows, maybe by their standard I am, All I know is that by MY standards I am the best person I can be at this point in my life, I do my best to love others and be there for them, I do the best I can to get by in life with what ive got to work with, and if thats not good enough for them they can kiss my ass...

Unagi quest Update: Found Tare

Apparently according to a Japanese guy, I found a website that is supposed to have a really really really awesome authentic Tare recipe on it (the sauce the Unagi is cooked with.) but its all in Japanese (a bit TOO authentic,lol) so now IM searching for somebody that can find and translate the recipe for me...

Life can be so beautiful sometimes...

...And im so glad that I have finnaly been reminded of that... I knew it of course, but I really forgot how wonderful those moments can feel, ya know, thats the real danger, forgetting... its so easy to get lost in the pain and the torment, even the everyday difficulties of life can seem to pile up on you like your being buried alive when you have things that are far more difficult to deal with as well...

But in-spite of it all, there are moments of pure beauty and peace that can be found, sometimes when you least expect it... I have been so blessed over this last month or so, I found myself crying earlier when i started to think about it, the upwelling of joy overwhelmed me, and came pouring out in the form of tears...the most wonderful tears ive ever shed...

Ive been blessed lately, with 2 new friends who are some of the awesomest people in the world, and I love them quite dearly, and 1 older friend whom we didnt talk much but started talking more lately and have become a bit closer I think, she is a total sweetheart, a complete Angel, and I love her quite dearly as well, she I.M.ed this to me earlier:)

"hands you a cup of tea somewhat sad it's only words on a screen and not a real cup of tea...but I suppose if you stood back from that perspective it would just be tea in a cup which is actually lots of little bits of things we don't even really understand called energy which is also what words on a screen consist of."

I found it quite beautiful...and it touched me greatly.

Then there is the fact that somehow, from a garage sale, and some other stuff, I have managed to get together enough money to finally be able to fix my car!!!

And a friend of mine whom I was involved with romantically for a short while, has landed me a job as a respite provider for her oldest son who has autism!!! its so awesome to get payed to do something you love doing anyways! and he is such an awesome kid:D

ohh, and another blessing, at the last few bonfires ive been to its been so beautiful... the way the moon glinted off the water, the mist surrounding it all, the beach, the fire the friends... it was pretty awesome and beautiful:D:D:D

Im getting pretty tired now though, so I think I shall cut this blog shorter than I originally intended...I can always post more later =^_^=

Unagi

I have to say I love Unagi, probably more than I should, I have been spoiled when it comes to unagi however, I once befriended a Japanese man in a super market sushi stand who could barely speak english, according to him I was the only friend he had made in the entire 9 years or so he had lived in our country, He would frequently make special rolls for me, he made my favorite, california rolls for me many times, untill one day he convinced me to try a roll with unagi, it was some really delicious stuff... I moved back to california due to my mothers illness, sent him a letter once but never heard back from him, I think of him now everytime I eat Unagi, which is rarely cause unagi is expensive... But I think of him and wonder why such a great guy like him was able to go for so long without making any friends, I know there are allot of bigots in the south (this was in Tennesee) But I mean, he was such a quiet and calm and just really all around nice guy...

I ate Unagi a few weeks ago and Ive been beating myself up ever since, Because I have forgotten his name, the friendless man who was such a good friend to me when I had no friends either at the time, some morning after id get off work id go to hangout with him at his work and we would talk for hours, he loved talking about anything cause it helped him practice his english... I thought Id go and find out how to make Unagi myself so I could make it a regular thing, make unagi, make some sushi rolls with it, and eat it and remember my friend... But I cant even remember his name, but oh well, I dont suppose the name matters to much, its only a label that has nothing to do with who a person is, I will forever remember him for his kindnes and friendship, and If I can just find a how to guide somewhere on how to make Unagi, I will make it in honor of him every single time...

A new road with an uncertain destination.

Almost everything is about the same in my life at the moment, its been a tough month, but I've learned many things from it, and in some ways its been one of the most centering months of my life, I've learned allot about myself in this time as well, although it is rather daunting understanding how much I really have left to learn...

I've been procrastinating on allot of major decisions lately mostly because I'm completely unsure what to do, but I hope to change that soon.

I've let go of many things this last month, things that didn't matter, things that did, guilt from things that I shouldn't feel guilty for, and for things I should feel guilty for, dreams I've held on to for most of my life, even some dreams newly formed... And my soul feels lighter for it, I haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet of all the things I want to/need to let go, I'm sure that goal will elude me till I learn to stop chasing it, but that is easier said than done...

A short while ago I was convinced that killing myself was the only way to get rid of all the things I just couldn't shake, although I've not been able to completely let go of yet much of the feelings that culminated in such a drastic belief, I no longer feel like ending things the easy way, working things out in my heart and learning to live even if its not the way I want that life to be has come to seem like a new sort of adventure to me, a road I'm not entirely sure of, a road that in many ways I'm rather scared of, but a road I am now eager to travel.

There will be new updates soon...hopefully good ones,lol